On Yammering On and On -and- How Blogging's My New Drinking

According to more emails and comments than I can keep track of, I seem to be making an awfully high number of women cry lately. As I said on the phone this evening, I just hope these are good tears and not bad ones.

Anyway, I thought it might be time to make people laugh a little as well, so the picture on the right is me (a few years back...) I include it as I'm currently getting "ready to dive back into chemo."

The last two weeks we’ve had a break from chemo resulting from low counts, and as a result, this last week I’m beginning to feel more myself than in more than a year and a half -- and it feels great.

For the first time in about as long as I can remember, I’m actually sleeping 6-9 hours a night, I’m energetic and can actually focus (a little – which is as much as I’ve ever been able to), I’m getting more work done than ever, and I’m actually useful around the house.

My weight is back within my normal 130-135 range for the first time since before I started chemo almost a year ago. Although I must admit that it’s a much softer 130, and that the weight has shifted from muscle to my cheeks and chin (Thank you, corticosteroids…)

I’ve been seeing all kinds of old friends and catching up, hosting movie nights, having people over for meals, and doing my best to get others inebriated.

Having this little break and getting a window to get back to my old ways feels awesome.

Even old dormant problems like tooth sensitivity and random bleeding from one spot in my mouth (no one’s ever been able to figure that one out…), that all disappeared when we started chemo, are now coming back. It’s strange to greet these problems like I would old friends – every time they pop back up I feel like saying “Oh, that’s right, I forgot about you. Where have you been hiding for the last year you sneaky little devil?”

While seeing and catching up with a lot of friends has been great, one concern about it is that I seem to have become a manic talker; I go on and on and on literally for hours with crazy-long story after story. Additionally, I’m writing absurdly long emails, updating my blog at a tornadic pace (Usually I shoot for once a week), and all of this is all on top of writing all day long for work.

And, all of this without any steroids in my system…

I was beginning to get very worried as I’ve always prided myself on being a good listener, and then I realized that, as I have explained in previous posts, I was born a story-teller and have always lived my life alternating between being around friends and telling stories and out in pursuit of adventure to ensure that I always have some new material.

Although I try my best to be a good listener, lately I often talk far too much to let my friends get many words in edgewise…

The very nature of treatment for Leukemia has prevented me from seeing many people often as I often completely lack both energy and immunity. The result is that I’ve had the craziest adventure of my life over the last year, and I have hardly seen any of my friends or family to tell them about it.

As a result, I have more material than I ever have, and I have thus become a temporary manic talker.

On top of all of this, I’m an intensely social individual who is often quarantined at home – working all day at home where I lack a whole lot of interaction doesn’t help a whole lot…

Thus, while at first concerned, I now have hope that I will have eventually caught up with everyone and I can stop yammering on and on. For the time being, I must apologize to the many, many people whose ear I’ve talked off over the last couple of weeks.

On the note of storytelling, I recently realized that blogging is my new drinking.

I used to go out late at night to bars with friends and spend hours exchanging stories. It wasn’t so much the drinking that I ever enjoyed (Okay, maybe a little), but rather it was the opportunity to sit for hours in an inviting and warm place in the company of good friends, that pulled me out into the night.

In this high-paced world, it’s difficult to slow down and focus on nothing but enjoying the company and conversation of others. A Pub or Tavern late at night with a few drinks is one of the few places I have found where this is possible.

That, or a campfire.

I recently had the realization that I tend to blog late at night and do so to share stories with my friends and family – just like drinking. I then always enjoy hearing their (your) stories in emails and comments. It’s a late-night exchange that fulfills most of the things that drinking used to – I just wish I could talk to you all face to face (and maybe have a whiskey or two…)

All right, tomorrow I’m back for counts and maybe starting the second half of round six.

Ahead we have 28 days of rough chemo once we start, then a break to let my counts recover, then a bone marrow biopsy to see if there’s any cancer left (This will be a really stressful week for me of the test followed by waiting for the results.)

As always, any good vibes you can spare would be very much appreciated.

Then, if all is clear, we’re looking at three years of “maintenance,” which is a fancy and friendly word for low-dose chemo. After a year of going to the clinic twice a week, going once a month seems absolutely unfathomable.

I’ve had a great break and this next round is going to be really, really rough, but with a finish line in sight I’m also ready for the final sprint. To use one of my old mantras:

Bring It On.

Sam