"Am I bleeding?... Nope - Just Salsa" and other Stories of the Day

Today was entertaining. Every Friday before Memorial Day Weekend should be. Yesterday my neutrophils were still too low to start round four, so we pushed it back to next Wednesday for another test. So today I was happy to head back to work.

Fridays when I'm healthy enough to go out are like holidays because its fish taco Friday at The Cabana Room -- All-you-can-eat of the world's best fish tacos for $8.95. You show me someone who claims to make a better fish taco and I'll show you a liar...

So after downing a bowl of chips with salsa, rice and beans, and part of Katie's sandwich I was well into my fourth fish taco when I wiped my nose and was surprised to find bright red on my napkin.

"Shit, am I bleeding?" I asked aloud as I wiped my nose again.

"Nope, just salsa," I responded to my own question as I glanced back at the napkin after taking a second swipe of my face, quickly returning to the fish taco at hand.

We then headed to a coffee shop below my office to grab a decaf for me and a chai latte for Katie. After the gentleman behind the counter rang up the drinks, he looked at me with a bit of a surprised expression and said:

"Don't you want a cookie as well?"

"I suppose I had better," I responded.

"Chocolate Chip, Right?"

"Yup."

Perhaps it is a sign that you're eating too many cookies when a Barrista expresses shock at the very thought of you not ordering one.

It was only after this exchange that I realized that I drink a decaf coffee and eat a chocolate chip cookie every afternoon I am in the office -- perhaps this helps explain the recent weight gain -- to use an old joke, what used to be a six pack is now rapidly becoming a snack pack.

To try to keep this in check as well as maintain some level of fitness, I have spent a great deal of time on my bike and walking this week. It feels great to get outside in the warm air, and I find myself wanting to stay up late wandering the streets on these beautiful summery nights.

Also, as you may have noticed, I've completed a bit of a comeback:

Three months ago I'd have weeks when I didn't have the energy to update the blog or get any meaningful amounts of work done. Then, slowly I started updating the blog. Then, I stopped updating the blog because I had the energy to get work done, but this would basically exhaust my supply of energy for the day. Then I started working and exercising a bit. Now, I have the energy to get work done, exercise, and update the blog.

I know that rougher seas lie ahead again, but for the time being it's smooth sailing and life is beautiful.

Shout Outs:

SO to Dennis: Lunch was great.
SO to Sare: I look forward to seeing you this weekend
SO to Scott: It's good to hear from you and I hope that you enjoyed frisbee golf and the movie
SO to Schmidty: What's your beef with Waxman/Markey?
SO to Schryver: Have fun in the Porkies
SO to Philly: Here's to picking up women in that new sexy Ford Taurus
SO to Sarah S. for introducing me to FML blog, though it took up three of my hours this evening
SO to the Fond Du Lac mystery individual who dressed as an ape and tried to steal a display banana from gas stations. Here's the real news story:

Man in ape costume tries to steal banana displays

FOND DU LAC, Wis. (AP) — Police continue a fruitless search for a man wearing an ape costume who has attempted to steal foam banana displays from inside local gas stations. Capt. Steve Klein said Thursday someone donning an ape costume entered two gas stations Wednesday trying to steal the displays and police have received several calls about the suspect hanging around town. While Klein acknowledges that the action may seem funny, they want to talk to the person behind the ape suit because they aren’t sure what the suspect’s motives are.

I'd imagine the person's motives were to make people laugh -- and at this they were wildly successful.

Have a safe, happy, and memorable Memorial Day Weekend.

Happy Trails,

-Sam

Six Month Reflections

The earth has traveled halfway around the sun since I started treatment.

As we wait for the next round to commence and pass the six month mark for treatment, I think it's appropriate to take a look back at from where we've come.

Nine months ago I was feeling off. I had a persistent hacking cough, my joints hurt terribly, my appetite was waning and my energy level felt completely drained. I went to the Doctor, and at my request -- and only at my request -- she took some blood tests as an afterthought, looking for Lymes Disease or West Nile Virus.

The tests found that my blood counts were way off. I was anemic and my white blood cell count was low. She set up an appointment for me with a hematologist "just as a precautionary measure." I had to wait a month before there was an opening.

Eight months ago, I was really starting to feel bad. I had frequent night sweats, nightly fevers, complete loss of appetite, couldn't handle my alcohol, and was losing weight rapidly. My visit to the hematologist, however, showed that my blood counts had risen. "It's probably just a virus," he said. "Come back in a month and we'll test you again."

One month later, my blood counts had stayed the same. It was only then that he thought it best to do a bone marrow biopsy. This was one day before the presidential election.

That Wednesday he called and said "you're bone marrow shows some blasts, but there aren't many. This really doesn't look like cancer, but we'll know more tomorrow when the final report comes in."

What a relief...

The next day I was having a terrific day at work when he called back around four o'clock. "You need to come in and talk," he said. "This looks like leukemia."

Two weeks later, six months ago today, I was in the hospital starting treatment. I can say definitively that the two week interim between diagnosis and commencing treatment were the scariest two weeks of my life.

For four months, through induction and consolidation, I seemed to grow weaker every day. Despite efforts to keep it up, my weight fell to 115, far below my normal 130-140 range. There were days when it took every ounce of determination I had to get up, ride my trainer for ten minutes, eat and shower -- those simple things would exhaust every bit of energy I had for the day.

It felt like an abyss. Every day grew worse than the day before and it felt as if there was no way out. "How much more can I possible take?" I found myself asking.

Then stage 4 came around. My neutrophils rose, so I could once again eat the foods that I enjoy (healthy food). Slowly I started to pick up my old habits -- the first bike ride was short (and shaky), I left the Madison area for the first time in months, I went fishing and felt the tug of a fish at the end of the line, I went hiking in Upper Michigan, went out to eat with Katie and with friends, got back to the office, and the list goes on. These were things that I could only dream of doing during the rough first few months of treatment -- things that I had feared I would never be able to do again.

I also regained a great deal of strength during the last two months. I'm back to 135, although it's admittedly a much softer 135 than in years past. I'm also able to bike or hike a fair distance -- I won't be riding a century anytime soon, but today I biked 15-20 miles with relative ease.

On December 22nd, I rode my trainer and wrote: "Today I spent a half hour on my bike and could shut my eyes and envision I was riding my bike down Wilson street in the Sun to work at Clean Wisconsin." Today, that dream was realized as I road my bike down East Wilson in the bright sunshine to work at Clean Wisconsin. I must admit that I cheated a bit and went around capital square to avoid the big hill.

As we get ready to ramp things up again I know that we are not even close to being out of the woods yet (or perhaps more appropriatly for me -- I know that there will be much time spent outside of the woods, where I'd rather be). But now as things get worse I will at least know that things do get easier, that better days lie ahead.

This insight will help transform days that feel like an abyss to feel more like a really painful bike ride -- one that you keep pedaling for home knowing that a hot grill and cold beer awaits you at the finish.

Thanks for stickin' with me and following my adventures over the last six months.

-Sam

Break Extended...

Well, my assumption that we would start round four today proved wrong -- My neutrophil count has fallen, so it's back to work for a couple of days to be followed by another lab on Thursday to see if my neutrophil count is up high enough to commence round four.

I'm looking at it as the break between round three and four extended instead of round 4 delayed...

-Sam

A Shout-Out Laden Post

It's been way too long since I've posted -- Every corner there seems to be someone saying "you really need to update you're blog." I'm just happy that people read it.

The past month (wow, it's really been almost that long since my last update) has been terrific. I haven't been updating because I haven't had a whole lot of time to update; I've been far too busy living.

I have been writing, however, and if you're ever curious what I'm up to you can always look in the Clean Wisconsin Press Room. I've concluded that, perhaps with the exception of getting out and enjoying the outdoors, there is nothing more fun than trying to protect the environment using the media.

It's great to be back to work. I love the excitement that having no idea what I'll be working on as I head into the office brings. I love the pressure of having to get a press release out the door. I love the strategy and tenaciousness of an all-out media brawl.

Working is what makes coming home in the evening pleasant. Working is what makes weekends so great. It is no coincidence that we often define ourselves by our occupation -- there is, after all, a reason why we phrase the question "what do you do" and not "how do you make money."

Last weekend I had the pleasure of fishing with my Grandpa up in Rhinelander. This was a particularly special treat. Since I was three years old, my grandfather and I have fished the same bays of the same lake in the same boat. Regardless of what is happening in life, fishing with Grandpa always grounds me, reminding me both of where I am and where I came from. Pictured is he and I fishing in Florida two years ago.

Monday we start the next stage, delayed intensification, which brings with it nearly all of the rough drugs that the last stage did. I probably won't feel this way in a month, but for the time being I feel ready to take it on. Months ago I wrote that my new motto for chemo was "Bring it On." This will now be stage #4 of 6 rough chemo stages, and a light is beginning to show at the end of the tunnel and growing by the day (and it's the right kind of light at the end of the tunnel...)

Monday I'll also once again begin taking high doses of a steroid, dexamethasone. When the blog posts get a little crazy, it's the Dex. It should be interesting. It's a strange feeling knowing that you're about to temporarily lose your mind -- that's really what it amounts to, too.

It's been a terrific two months much to the thanks of a lot of people, that as well as the fact that I haven't updated in a month results in a long shout out list:

Shout outs:

SO to John Caldwell: I hope you're feeling better soon -- good vibes are being sent your way
SO to Katie: Congratulations on four years of hard work and this weekend's graduation
SO to Philly: Congratulations on five years of hard work and this weekend's graduation
SO to Grandpa Giles: Thanks for taking me out fishing, it means more to me than you can know
SO to Jesse for winning the "sticky situation" story comment question challenge
SO to Mitch for taking a close second (and for keeping Mel's open a bit longer so that i could buy a Mother's Day gift -- oops.)
SO to everyone who posted eco-friendly lifestyle changes, they were too good, I can't even pick a winner.
SO to Schryver and Vitse for making me laugh with Chair Wisconsin -- Brilliant
SO to Vitse and BKelly for helping me move my office furniture -- Yeah.
SO to Stuart: One more round to go -- congrats and get ready to kick ass in softball
SO to Shelly: It was great running into you in clinic the other day
SO to Ben and Jen: Congratulations on having the little one, I hope you're getting some sleep
SO to leaves on trees -- it's hard not to feel alive when mother nature springs to life

Comment question of the day:

Post a link to something online that makes you laugh -- A Web site, A video from the Youtube, or a particularily funny news article. Here's mine:

http://awkwardfamilyphotos.com/

-Sam