A Cytotoxic Cell-abration -and- Declaring Nuclear War on Leukemia

I just finished my 32nd, and last scheduled, subcutaneous shot of cytarabine. 32 times I have pinched up skin in my stomach or leg, jabbed a needle into my stomach or thigh, and meticulously emptied this toxic drug into my system.

This follows last Monday's final scheduled bag of cytoxin.

Like most chemo drugs, I have a love-hate relationship with cytarabine and cytoxin.

Both of these drugs are intentionally designed to kill rapidly dividing cells in the body including not only cancer cells, but also healthy hair cells, cells that make finger and toe nails, cells in the mouth and digestive track, and cells in the blood and bone marrow.

These are the only drugs that have made me vomit, they have decimated my blood counts and brought my immune system to zero. They've sapped my energy for weeks, and made me black out whole days or weeks. They led to July's infamous infection that put me in the hospital for 9 days.

In short, they are not easy drugs to take.

But, without these drugs, there is almost no chance that I would be around tonight sitting next to a lit Christmas tree, listening to Bing Crosby and Bob Dylan Christmas music, and typing this post.

In many ways, engaging in chemo is very akin to declaring nuclear war on cancer. Like Truman's decision to bomb innocent civilians in Nagasaki and Hiroshima to end the Second World War, oncologists and their patients decide to drop an atomic bomb on the body in the hope that the death of millions of good cells will bring with them the cancer cells, and many more healthy cells will be safe to thrive as a result.

Tonight, even with my counts decimated to the point that I needed to go to the clinic for a bag of platelets and two bags of blood, I could not help but celebrate the fact that, if all goes well and I can avoid a relapse, never again will I need to dance with the vindictive little devils that are cytoxin and cytarabine.

Much like I hope to never see the use of real atomic weapons in my lifetime, I also hope to never attack my body with these cellularly atomic bombs again.

To quote one of my favorite holiday songs, let's hope for:

"A very Merry Christmas
And a Happy New Year
Let's hope it's a good one
Without any fear
War is over, if you want it
War is over now."

All right, it is the holiday season, and one of the many goals of this blog is to encourage acts of good will. Last year, together, we raised well over $1000 dollars to help fund the construction of the Restoring Hope Transplant House near Madison. This brought me more happiness and cheer than you can imagine. So, in the spirit of the holiday season, here are some ideas to help out others and help make this world a better place.

1. Donate to the Transplant House Again.

The transplant house is still short of the money it needs to open its operation. It's founders have worked tirelessly for years trying to come up with the funds needed, and this is a cause worth supporting if you have money to charitably devote. You can learn more and help transplant patients by giving here:

2. Donate to Clean Wisconsin.

Clean Wisconsin is the non-profit environmental advocacy organization that I work for. We work diligently to keep Wisconsin's pristine areas clean, and restore those that are polluted. We focus on clean air, clean water, and push for clean energy. I work for this organization because I honestly feel that Clean Wisconsin is one of the most effective organizations at protecting and preserving our environment -- something important for a guy who treasures the outdoors as much as I do.

Beyond being a damn good environmental advocacy organization, Clean Wisconsin has been a family to me and has helped me through this last year -- unquestionably the toughest in my life. They've demonstrated their unrelenting support, stayed by me in the roughest of times, made me laugh, and made me feel normal throughout this whole absurdly crazy adventure.

I honestly don't know how I would have gotten this far without the organization and it's people, and I would strongly encourage you to give if you're able. You can learn more and donate here, and I promise we'll work hard to make your money matter.

3. Donate Blood.

Sometimes we don't have the extra cash to donate, but luckily, there are hundreds of ways we can volunteer our time (or our blood), to help out others.

This year I have needed to fill up on blood more often than I've had to fill up my Subaru. Without the nameless and faceless donors who so selflessly donated their blood and platelets, I never could have made it through chemo.

Please consider donating blood and helping out others, like me, who couldn't live without it.

All right, I hope this holiday season finds you all well and chocked full of merriment.

-Sam