On Steroid Withdrawal and Small Victories

I'm quickly learning that chemo, like life, provides challenges we can never expect or anticipate.

With the first stage of treatment complete, the doctors are now tapering me off of an extremely high dose of Prednisone, a potent steroid, to prepare me for the next stage of treatment. As a result, I'm beginning to experience effects known as "steroid withdrawal" that I can expect to worsen over the next week as I cut myself off. I had never anticipated that coming off of a chemo drug would be my greatest challenge yet.

It is a tough decision for me whether to share with all of you all of the challenges I'm going through because I much prefer to spread cheer than concern, but I also want to document my journey, and realized again today that many of the greatest victories come from the greatest challenges. In this spirit I will share openly with you my experience good and bad.

Coming off of prednisone, I'm a physical and emotional trainwreck. My entire body feels battered and bruised, my muscles shake uncontrollably at times, and I feel weak, fatigued and vulnerable. I get angry or begin crying on a whim -- a real nuisance for someone who really hates emotion. Once I lie down, it takes every ounce of mental will to get back up to eat or take a medicine.

After spending two days in my apartment, I finally summoned the energy today to go for a walk around my neighborhood with Katie (my girlfriend). It's one of those beautiful snowy days in Madison that makes you feel alive, and just getting out felt terrific and invigorating. For a guy who used to bike 100 miles a week on a regular basis, and snowshoe up mountains I never thought an 8 block walk could be such a victory (Pictured are my friends Cavan, Ryan, Karsten and I on top of Mt. Phelps in the Adirondacks). To my biking and skiing friends, you better watch out when I have my hemoglobin back...

Then we came back to my apartment and was confronted with a challenge I never expected. I went to trim my fingernails and realized I lacked the feeling, strength and dexterity in my hands to do so. It's a sobering thought to not be physically capable of trimming your own fingernails.

But, alas, the human spirit is both enduring and innovative, and after much thought I figured out that if I carefully rest the clippers on my leg, insert my fingernail and press the clipper with the palm of my hand that I could do it on my own. It took me the better part of a half hour, but in the end I was able to do it on my own and extremely proud of my small victory.

I know that the coming days are going to get harder as I come off the drug, but I will find comfort and joy in small victories like these.

So my advice for the day... Don't do drugs (unless they're saving your life).

-Sam